The Stress Relief

There are certain customs in western culture that slow down the pace of life, and in general, prevent us from plowing over in each other in an attempt to get ahead. Basic human courtesies, like letting an elderly person take your seat on the tube, holding the door for the person behind you and apologizing for stomping on someone’s foot.

No such system of courtesy exists in Shanghai. In fact, entirely the opposite presides. YOU are the SINGLE most important person on the planet. YOU will get there first. YOU will knock down the elderly lady with the crutch to get through the subway doors in time. YOU will jump the line when the person in front of you checks their watch. Screw everyone else. You snooze…. You don’t belong in Shanghai.
This is a difficult thing for a Canadian to get used to, and at times the city feels like a big soul sucking vacuum, that leaves its residents devoid of their humanity. And so far, I’ve found only slight evidence to suggest otherwise.

But at times, breaking these ingrained faux pas can be quite good stress relief:

Next time, shove your way through a crowd without ever muttering a single ‘sorry’. In fact, give a stone cold glare at those you elbow out of your way (although the shanghaiese don’t even blink when pushed, their compact bodies resilient against all battering).

Hork up a big chunk of phlegm, and just spit it out on the floor- wherever, whenever- at the gym, supermarket or near someone’s shoe on the sidewalk. REMEMBER the louder the sound of the horking, the better. And if you practice, you can get some pretty good distance.

Smoke at a McDonalds, in line at the bank or in the hospital waiting room. If you are talking to someone while smoking, they like it a lot when you blow the smoke RIGHT between their eyes. In fact you’ve probably just saved them some money from having to buy themselves a pack.

Stare at strange people if they look different than you. It’s probably best if you nudge your neighbor, point and then whisper about how they look. Do they look funny? Have a laugh about it! They’re different than you, the weirdos! They deserve the attention!

Tell people the stuff they’re selling is crap. It’s really, utterly, and completely useless. I wouldn’t even use it to clean my shoe. But I’ll pay 10 Rmb for it. Ok, fine, I’ll pay 20 rmb for your useless crappyity, crap.

Pee. Pee anywhere. If you want to pee beside the fruit store, you should do it. Why shouldn’t you indulge in a completely natural human action when you feel the urge? It’s not like you should LOOK for a toilet, do you have any idea how long that might take? Minutes? Waste my bloody time.

Throw some trash over your shoulder. Don’t bother to walk those ten paces to the garbage can.
What do you think street cleaners are paid for? Twiddling their thumbs? Bird Watching?

Put your children in butt-less pants. People like to see naked baby butts, especially slightly soiled ones! They can always wipe them on the subway seats if they get too dirty. Baby cheeks are the cutest things, aren’t they? Think of how much money you’re going to save on diapers! If they need to do a doody, they can just have at ‘er!

My personal favorite- completely and totally ignore people. You are temporarily deaf. Even if they are right up under your nose, the best thing to do is to just look around at your surroundings, pretend you see something that interests you, and avoid eye contact. This is great when people chase you down the road to sell you something enormously useful like glowing roller wheels for your shoes, or a pen that makes shines a psychedelic green pattern of light.